駿

I always thought that crap was lame. That 520 or 5201314 crap - "我愛你一生一世". Chinese people love using it, but I've always kinda HATED it. Too bad I needed something for my phone's passcode, and I took 52. Luckily 52 can also be the date May 2nd, which was when we started.

The first letters of our names are G and C, which is 4 and 2. But her own initials is also G. C.

5242,
May 2nd, G & C.
Or 5 2 G. C.

Sometimes I honestly think that I'm fucking brilliant - who comes up with shit like this?
But I know I'm not.

I pretend to be confident and content most of the time, appearing to be non-chalant and knows-what-he's-doing, wearing a smile. And the slit eyes help disguise too. 

But my palms give me away.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. 

I know. 

I do listen to you guys and I do still remember the things we've talked about and the things you've told me and the things you've warned me about. Because I still think about it every day and it really does bother me. Even when you discuss things in groupchat in my absence, I still scroll up, every night, I scroll up and read everything, I don't miss any of it. 

And things yous still talk about, and things yous talked about today, I have read it, and I'm still digesting. But you know,

I'm actually okay, I'm good to change all the rules of my game and all the prerequisites I've set myself,

for her.

Thankyou guys, but I'm not actually skux so the things previously mentioned don't affect me.

I'm a lost cunt so talking is always good, also

I HEAR PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT THIS GAME CALLED "REAL LIFE"? 

LUNATICS, I HAVE NO TIME TO LAUGH AT THEM, HAVE TO GO SAVE DECKARD CAIN.

But tbh, I'm not really that excited about Diablo 3. It's mostly peer pressure and the fact that there's a monk class (:

Even when we're arguing and I'm mad at her,

All I can think of is her beauty. 

I've already decided,

that from now on everytime we argue, 

She's gunna be right (:

And unhappiness lingers just long enough for me to make a blog post about it (:

I don't know what you'd call your group of closest friends, I usually refer to mine as "the boys" or "my boys." It consists of about 5 others, and we have a Facebook group chat, which is active most of the time and we talk about everything. From using it as just another communication tool such as whatsapp or LINE to ask what people are doing or where they are, if they're free for lunch, etc, to massive deep and meaningful conversations late at night in front of our computer screens.

And because we talk everyday and we talk so much, we pretty much know what each other are doing most of the time, and even outside the group convo we're probably hanging out with each other. But the thing is, if i had to make a list of my 5 "best" friends (sounds a bit childish) not all of them would be in it. It's probably a bit confusing.

I don't even have a point.

I just tried talking about something else so I don't have to think about or write about what I'm actually moderately upset about. Melancholic, and I don't tend to write about happy things, but it doesn't mean that they don't exist (:

I don't know if my bad mood is due to it,
or that due to my bad mood, it seemed like such a big deal.

It's not that I didn't get much sleep last night, it just wasn't really good quality sleep. Like I'd toss and turn the whole night, dozing on and off, falling in and out of sleep. It felt like I was asleep the whole night, but it also feels as if I was awake the whole time too. It's probably not insomnia, but rather that my biological clock isn't synchronised to my actual life. Because deep sleep came in the morning, and I even had a bit of a dream, until my dog barked at my neighbour's kids walking to school past our house.

And it barked at old people walking past our house for their morning stroll.
And it barked at other dogs and their owners when they walked past our house.
And it barked at the leaves falling off of our trees near our house.
And it barked at some butterflies. And it barked at some oxygen. 

Dat bitch. 

I don't exactly remember what my dream was about, but I made a mental note to acknowledge how afraid my subconscious mind is of losing her. It was my interpretation of my dream, and that's what I remembered instead of the actual dream itself. Interpreting and shit, half asleep at 7 in the morning. And then I impulsively texted an I Love You (which I don't recall but evidently, it happened) for which was the cue for a bit of disappointment. I don't know if my bad mood is due to it, or that due to my bad mood, it seemed like such a big deal.

Shortly afterwards, I fell into even deeper and even higher quality of sleep, dreaming once again (last thing I remember is making cake and cutting out shapes in BREAD and putting it on top of the cake...? - Don't ask) MY MUM COMES IN AND WAKES ME UP ASKJDHAKALSJD

To read a letter. There are many others that are available at that time fully capable of reading a letter, why pick the one she knows is still asleep? For the first time I revealed my ultra rage. I've been practicing for a while now it's pretty good actually like I'd just yell and point fingers and mumble shit really loud so she doesn't know what I'm talking about therefore she has no clue that I have no clue either but she knows that I'm really mad 
I. Raged. So. Fucking. Hard. 

And to which she simply said "Be quiet, you'll disturb and concern the others" And stuck the letter in my face. Which I read. While raging. "You can just sleep again later." LOL you know what's beyond ultra rage? When you rage so hard that you just freeze in silence for about 2 minutes. Because you are so fucking angry that you don't know how to express it.

Usually it's just the weather but,
Everything seemed so cold this morning. 

And my massive quilt has never felt less snug. 

跟她在一起的時間過得很快 - 太快了

今天姐畢業了

我人消失了40分鐘

因此, 沒能跟家人們拍大合照, 讓他們都不高興..四老(爺嬤公婆)還說我沒家教, 是第一次

姐當人眾面前還問我是不是看不起他們B Arts... 姐也真的氣啦

到家, 看我們groupchat, 最親的朋友在說 她 壞話, 雖然是"troll", 但我知道也帶著真話. 為甚麼不能接受 她? 她不好麼? 後來我跟他們談了, 現在沒事了. 就說如果我開心就好了. 我知道他們可能覺得, 比他們所期望的有差別. 但他們不知道的是, 在我眼裡, 是沒有更完美的.
曾經口口聲聲罵著別人 "HBB" 的我, 現在也低著頭不說什麼了, 因為自己也是一樣

她
還沒跟我說
到底是什麼事
我越來越擔心
越來越怕

電話整天沒電
人也整天沒心情
卻還要裝
假笑臉

It's so fun playing with water, in the sink, bathtub, out of the garden hose, swimming pools. But water is also dangerous, it can claim lives. 

Even of those who can swim.

My idea of love has always been things straight out of the TV, drama, movies; out of novels. It's always the romanticised version. The version out of the garden hose or kitchen tap.
I've had a few romantic relationships with girls before but they weren't really serious, so I guess I've had my taste of the chlorine-ful pools before. 

But this time I'm in the friggen Amazon River.

---

I've always told people that I don't pay attention to appearances, and it's happened to me so many times where, a person's personality somehow affects their face, to me. 

At least, I think that's what's been happening.

I mean, when I first met her, I didn't think much of her. Some of my rude friend's even went as far as to calling me polite when I answered "average" to their "what do you think"

These days, I can't stop starring. Even when she's not here, my mind starts scrolling through my memory for images of her, and I can't pay attention to anything else. 

I don't mind it one bit though.

Lol so I feel the need to explain my Chinese name, since so many people get it wrong.

They think it means handsome.

That's 俊, as in 英俊潇洒

Mine's 駿, as in 駿馬飛翔

Tbh I don't know an English equivalent, I guess it just means "good" lol. 駿馬 means "a fine steed" in dictionaries.

My cousin's name means beautiful though.

She isn't (trolololol, she's ok la)